This is once again a way for me to talk without having to worry about it all coming out right, and a way for me to really think about what it is that I am trying to say, the time to create the words, the time to try and make them make sense. This may turn out to be one of my novels, and I'm sure they can be quite boring for some, but I really don't expect anyone to really keep their interest in what this arbitrary person has to say.
I read my last four posts and I see a pattern here. I keep saying the same few things. First of all, and the most important being, "I don't know". Cuz I don't know. I don't know what the problem is, I have some ideas, and I don't know how to deal with them. The second is, "I love more than one person". But even with that being said, the draw to some of those is diminishing, slowly but surely. The third being that I am still confused, sad and depressed. I want that part to be gone, to be done with, but I can't seem to shake it. I may never be able to shake it and the people who choose to keep me in their lives are going to have to find a way to deal with it and realize that they are not the magic cure. I have been through way to much for any one person to fix it. If that was the case I would be just fine right now.
I have told Abbey recently that I feel that there is something missing in our relationship that doesn't make it 100% solid for me. That's not the case for him. He is sure, no doubt, no questions asked. I am not so sure, and I don't know why....... I don't know why. The answer is not cut and dried as I have said in my last few posts. I'm sorry, it is just not that simple. If it were that simple I wouldn't still be having all these problems, and still crying at night, and still thinking way too much how I really don't want to be here. The emotion is building right now, and the tears are forming and I still get mad that for the last 2 years I have cried this much, cuz that is unacceptable to me.
I think because I put up such a good front, nobody, even the people who are closest to me know how bad it still is. The fact that I have this depression problem and bi-polar disorder does not help at all. If I only had that, it might be workable. But couple that with the very extreme problems I have had in my life, it makes it almost unbearable. I thought Abbey might be the one to have the fortitude to deal with me and my many changeing moods and not to read too, too much into them, but I realize he can't deal with it either, and I don't blame him. It's like the Merideth Brooks song, "Bitch". It says that "Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous and I'm going to extremes, tomorrow I will change and today won't mean a thing."
When Jayme died a big part of me died with him. I have said this before, but it is not being heard. And I understand that too. Cuz even with losing someone like that, when a friend at work lost their own adult son, my I'm sorry's were just niceities, cuz I could not feel her pain, because it was not happening to me. I understood and knew what she was going through, but I did not at that moment feel the immense pain she was going through, it was not my pain. I will be out to dinner and a flash will happen, and in an instant I will see him in the hospital with all the tubes and machines. I will be chatting with friends at work and someone will say something about their son and I will flash to him laying on that table cold. I can't get rid of it, I keep trying, but I can't get it to go away. I said that when he died he ruined the rest of my life and I was not kidding. It tempers everything I do. It has destroyed many a relationship, and has brought me to my knees. God help me, I can't make it go away long enough to find joy in anything. It makes something missing in every aspect of my life. Maybe it's like my friend Erin said about Abbey, when I asked her what my problem was. She said maybe I was afraid of being happy. Maybe being happy will feel like some kind of betrayal to Jayme. If I am happy, that means I am letting him go, and Abbey knows how much trouble I have with letting go.
I don't find happiness in anything. I don't like going to work anymore, I don't want to exersize anymore, I don't want to go out with friends anymore, I don't want to talk on the phone anymore, I don't want to watch T.V. anymore, I don't want to read anymore, I don't want to do anything except crawl in a hole and stay there. It is such an effort to do anything that I will find any reason to make it not worth the effort to do it.
I lost a long term friendship and it is killing me. I blow it off, (that's my front) but it is tearing me apart. I lost a husband, for many reasons but I am carrying around an immense amount of guilt for it. I have for all intense and purposes lost 2 sons and it is almost the straw that has broke the camels back, but no one really gets a feel for that.
And then there is the fact that I keep saying I am in love with more than one person. To not be in love with a couple of them would mean I have to totally let go of them, and I can't. I'm starting to get there, slowly but surely but it is still real hard. There are qualities about each of them that I don't want to give up. But I'm not with either of them so I guess in a way I have started to give it up. My head is having a hard time catching up to what is really happening in person.
So, there it is......I don't know....I don't know. Here is some reasons for what is missing, but is this it? Is there more? I don't know, I won't know unless I spend more time with Abbey, and find out if it is all my demons or is it us? Is it something missing in our relationship or is it something missing in my life that he nor no one can fill? When he is here I am happy, but when he goes away, I doubt the whole thing. I think about how different we are, how I don't seem to feel the same passion as he does, that maybe I don't love him for the right reasons, but then I think how I don't feel that passion for anything in my life. When he is here he keeps me grounded about what is and how I need to put the effort forth to find the happiness and passion that is there for me, but when he goes it becomes too much work and easier to push him away. I want to hear bells and whistles. I want to see fireworks, and I don't. I thought I did with P. but I am doubting that now. If I did, I think it was because he was the first thing that actually did make me think about something other than Jayme. I think it was misguided now. Maybe I will never hear bells again. Maybe I am past that in my life. Maybe I am hearing them, but I just don't want to put in the time and effort to turn the volume up.
When this depressive phase ends I'll wonder why I wrote all this, and could I have really felt this way. I will be more happy and contented. Which is the real me? Witch sub-consious thoughts are the real ones? I don't think Abbey can deal with this and for good reason. It would mean he would have to gamble on those thoughts and possibly make an error in judgement that would change his life forever. That's a big maybe. But then again, I was ready to get on a plane Sunday and risk my job and my life to spend the time with him that I think we need. Would I do that if I did not love him?
I think I am starting to repeat myself and right now I need to go back and crawl in my hole again. I haven't eaten in more than 24 hours and I have more or less drank my dinner so I don't think I feel so well. Another thing I need to work on and he helps me with when he is here but I want it to be for the right reasons. The right reasons on my part that is. But, as I have said before....I'm still here. I'm still here and that means something. Right????

I know the answer, I have always known the answer, I just don't know what to do with it. I have not posted in months and months, but this venue has always been a way for me to talk without having to explain myself any further, without having to answer questions, without being grilled, without having to delve into something anymore than I am feeling at the time. I don't want to have anyone trying to hard to figure out what I am saying, or trying to read between the lines. Sometimes what is, is what is. Simple as that.
The answer is: I am in love with three men all at the same time. And I don't know what to do with that. Society says that is not acceptable. Society says that we are not supposed to have feelings for more than one person at the same time. We are supposed to be in love with one person, plain and simple. I am not the plain and simple type. I never have been. I march to the beat of a different drummer. I defy convention. I balk the system.
So here it is...... I am in love with Frank. He has been my husband for 26 years. I am in love with him for all the years we have spent together.I am in love with him because of his bad boy image. I am in love with him for the fact that with good and bad he always did what ever he had to do to care for me and take care of his family. I am in love with him for all the history we share. All the growing up years we did together. We were young when it started and now we are old. We have lived a lifetime. It may have not been the one I envisioned so many moons ago, but it happened. It is done. It is forever written in stone. I love him for the tragedy of losing our baby boy, and how it will bond us together for all of time. We created that life and we watched that life leave us. We watched our world change forever.
I am in love with Paul. I am in love with him for the fun, flippent, sarcastic game we play. The cat and mouse thing. Who will give next. Who's court is the ball in now? I am in love with him because he makes me feel young. I am in love with hime because he makes me feel desired and hot. Not that the other men in my life do not do the same, but they are my contemporaries, it is normal and expected. When a young man makes you feel that way, it speaks volumes about the way it makes you percieve yourself. It is flattering to have a young man feel so attracted to an old lady. I am in love with him, because as much as he says he can't love me, and he can't reciprocate my feelings, he can't stay away from me, he can't shake me, I have gotten underneath his skin, and I mean more to him than he is willing to admit. I feel smug about that. For all the times he made me feel like shit, that's not what he really wants to do, that is what makes him feel less gulity for loving me.
I am in love with Abbey..... I love him for the history of our youth. I love him for being my first, and possibly my last. I love him for the deep emotional connection I feel with him. Something I really didn't expect to happen and yet it was there from the get go. It was like time had stood still. I love him for making feel loved, cared for, safe, secure, respected, and appreciated. Despite all my shortcommings. I love him for the absolutly incredible sex we have. It is unlike anything I have ever known before. Wait, let me correct myself. I have known it before, it was 32 years ago. I love him for the comfortable way we interact with each other. Our love is easy going, it is not forced, it is not an act. It is true and real. It is comfortable and then in an instant it turns very passionate when we get physical. I love him for loving me. I have given him Hell the last 8 months, and he still has not turned his back on me.
Now the question?......How do I combine all those qualities of each of them into one person? Who do I feel the most connected to? The bad boy in Frank, along with all the history of our lives....The playful, fun, young, exciting banter I share with Paul.....The deep emotional, should have been, could have been, love of my lifetime feeling with Abbey?
Now the answer.....I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I love all three of them, I honestly love all three of them. I can't have all three of them. All three of them do not want or love me. How do I let go? How do I move on? How do I find what is real? How do I keep from making a mistake? How do I let go of my defences and allow someone in again? I don't know....If I knew the answer of what I should do(I know the answer of what I feel) I would probably begin to become whole again.
Reni

I re-read my post from yesterday and it seemed a little melodramatic. I do really feel just like that when I am in one of my moods or manic states. Today is better. Corey was actually able to come home already. It really is unbelievable.
The bad part is that I don't live home anymore so I can't be there for him like I would like to.
My husband has already thrown that in my face. That he will be the one taking care of Corey, not me. For all the togetherness this has brought to us, today, right off the bat was point number one that once again brings me back to why we are not together. What do you do with someone that you can't get along with or live with anymore, but that you still love. I told him the other day that I loved him and I hated him. I guess this is one of those love/hate relationships that I always hear about. I would really like to try a love/love relationship. And I think my husband and I were heading rather quickly to a hate/hate relationship.
I really wish I could spend more time with Abbey to see what kind of relationship would develop. I know it wouldn't involve hate, but I still wonder about how different we are. Can I let go of my husband enough to let a relationship form? Or will he always somehow make me hold back? Here I go again........I'm just too confused and now emotionally drained to figure it out.
Anyway, Corey is home and on the road to recovery. Thank-you all for your prayers and well wishes. We really needed them.

Hey there my friends. It has been forever and a day since I have posted and I never would have thought in a million years that this would have been the first post in coming back.
I have experienced the absolute worst deja vu moment I think anyone can have. For anyone that has read my little blog they know that a little more than two years ago I lost my youngest son in a street racing accident. I wrote a tribute to him on the anniversary of his death, May 11.
On Friday, July 14th. I once again got one of those fateful calls at work by my soon to be ex-husband telling me that our middle son Corey had been hit from behind on his motorcycle and had been taken to the hospital by ambulance.
My first thought was that this couldn't possibly be happening to me again. There had to be a mistake. This just couldn't be.
When I got to the hospital, there was yet another of my baby boys laying in an emergency room cubicle, bloodied, in pain, in a neck collar, and on a back board.
The difference between him and Jayme was that he was concious, moaning, and his fingers and toes were moving.
The x-rays and tests started coming in and he had a broken back, and two blood clots on his liver and intestines.
The hospital, since it did not have a trauma unit decided to care-flight him to none other than the same hospital that Jayme died in. That is when I started to freak out. This time I watched in horror as my son left in a helicopter to the trauma facility, not really knowing the full extent of his injuries and if he was going to live or die.
Once there the vigil started. It was deja vu in the most unbearable way. There I was on the second floor of the trauma ICU that I had been in two years ago. The exact same scene repeated itself. The kids and the parents started showing up. They lined the hallways and foyer to the elevators. The whole thing was so surreal that I really didn't know if I could do this again. But I had no choice. I was here again and I was going to have to deal with whatever the Gods had in store for me.
Long story short, the helmet saved his life. He would not be here right now if he was not wearing a helmet, and the back pack that he had on has saved him from being paralyzed. The circumstances are incredible. His back is broken in three places and his neck is broken. The blood clots are dissipating on their own without any surgical intervention. The first two days in ICU were touch and go with his injuries and trying to keep him from thrashing and possibly making the broken bones sever his spinal cord, and the trouble he was having breathing. There was a couple of times I started to try and prepare myself for the possibility of losing another son.
But now, four days later, he is still concious, talking, breathing, fitted with a back brace that will prevent him from having to have surgery on his back, a neck brace and a few staples in his arm. No other broken bones. Of course the back is more than enough. He has a long road ahead of him to be 100% again, but he is young and strong and he is here!!!!
For everything that went wrong for Jayme, are the same things that went right for Corey. Jayme was around, he showed himself through a sign that only his father and I would understand. He was telling me that it was going to be okay this time. This whole thing has added another ten years to my life and pretty soon I'm going to look so old it's not even going to be funny.
If I had been posting this whole time it would have told of my first love coming here to visit me and the amazing connection that we made, it would have told of how my husband filed for divorce,(somehow that seems backwards to me) it would have told of how I lost one of the best friends I ever had, and how much that has hurt. It would have told that my emotional state without this tragedy is getting precarious, and that I have been diagnosed as being bipolar II. It would have told that I am confused because I have very strong feelings for two different men, and that is not the way that life works. I love my husband dispite everything and I love Abbey. This whole experience with our son has pulled my husband and I together but he is in a different emotional place than I am right now. And it is hard. Abbey can't be here for me so I am grasping at what I can to help me through this.
I know the answer but it is not cut and dried. It is not an either or situation and once again I don't don't know what to do.
I was so confused and upset last nite that I came close. This was the first time that I actually held the pills in my hand. This was the first time that they made it out of the bottle. I obviously got through it, I called Abbey, and he stayed with me on the phone until I went to sleep. I know I can't be alone and I don't know how to fix this. I have some really good friends and they know who they are and they help keep me grounded. Abbey just helps period. He is there in whatever capacity I want him to be. He just wants to be there for me even if it is not what he envisions. And I thank him for that. He deserves more than me, much more than me.
Right now I am trying to keep focused on the fact that the Gods of fate have smiled on me this time and has let me keep my son. But it is the same fate that keeps reminding me that this is just too hard and I am growing weary. Okay, this is yet another end to a very emotional day and I need to just let go and stop trying to figure it all out right now.
Wow, I can get really long winded considering I haven't posted in well more than a month. Pray for me my friends, I seem to need it. In between moments of insanity I am still here! I am still here, and Corey is still here and that means something!!! Right????
Reni

Your Seduction Style: Siren / Rake

You possess an unbridled sensuality that appeals to many. The minute you meet anyone, you can make the crave you almost immediately. You give others the chance to lose control with you... spiraling into carnal bliss. A dangerous lover, you both fascinate and scare those you attract.

Before I hopped in the shower, I decided to check in real quick with the blogstream. I have been amiss at posting and reading. Things have been going haywire in my life for the past couple of weeks. Anyway, one of the posts I read real quick was the Captains, and he never ceases to amaze me. Even these stupid quizes seem to have him pegged.
Here are my results and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Just who am I? If I answered honestly, just as the Captain said he did, then what does this say about me? Crave me, lose control, dangerous, scarey? I'm not sure I like that.
Take the quiz and see who you are supposed to be.
Reni